I am not incapable.

7 Jun

There is a fine line between worry and lack of confidence.

By now we probably all know that I’m in a shitty situation with no income, piling bills, and no luck finding employment. I am well aware of this fact. I think and stress about it approximately every 2.5 minutes. And it’s not as though I am sitting idly and just waiting for things to happen. I am applying for jobs, going to interviews, following up on my applications, and for some reason, not getting hired.

I have this problem every summer. I don’t know why. I have a little bit of experience in a wide variety of fields, my communication and technology skills are above average, I’m a very quick learner and speak both official languages. I don’t understand why I can’t land a job. But that is another issue that I didn’t really mean to get into today.

Every day, my mom has been calling at least once or twice to check in, basically. The conversation generally starts with “What are you up to?” then almost immediately progresses to “So did you hear back from any of those jobs yet? Did you call back the people who interviewed you? Have you been looking for other jobs? What are you going to do? We (yes, “we”) need to get you a job or you’ll have to move home.” Now. Maybe I am perceiving this differently because a) my mom and I love each other dearly but have never gotten along well and b) I am too immersed in the stress of the situation, but when I hear her say these things, I get the feeling that she doesn’t think I’m capable of accomplishing what I need to without her help.

Don’t get me wrong, she cares very much, and has always had the hamartia of taking on others’ problems as her own (which, yes, creates an insatiable stress monster you do not want to experience).  But there is a thin line that divides being concerned about someone you love, and feeling as though said person isn’t going to work at resolving their problems unless you constantly remind them to. There is a fine line between worry and lack of faith. In my opinion, my mother unadmittedly crosses this line from time to time.

Today I finally lost my patience with her. I yelled at her. I told her that I didn’t require her to call me daily and remind me of how much of a failure I am right now. That if she suddenly stopped nagging me about these things, I wouldn’t die. That I am responsible enough to take care of myself and my situation, and that I don’t need her to remind me of the things I need to get done.  That I am not a child, and that I am acutely aware of my situation, and what I need to do. That despite what she thinks, I have been trying. That just because I don’t update her on my hourly activities doesn’t mean that I am sitting on my ass, wasting time, and accomplishing absolutely nothing. That I am not incapable of accomplishing something on my own. Apparently the fact that I have survived the last five years living on my own means nothing.

But I know I’ll never get through to her. I will never be able to defeat her need to have some aspect of control in my life. I know that the reason she feels this way is because for a million reasons she feels that she doesn’t have control in her own life. I know that it will be a very, very long time before she gets over the parent-child relationship and moves on to the mother-daughter relationship.

This is obviously not the first time I have had this argument with her. Perhaps it’s because I have little confidence in my own abilities that I am projecting the same onto her reason for concern. But I don’t really think so. I reiterate again that I love my mother very much, and I appreciate how concerned and willing to help she has been my whole life, it just becomes rather overwhelming and overbearing at times. I feel that there are about three people in the world who both know me inside out, and have complete confidence in me. “And” being the key word there. That’s not a lot, but I think it is enough. I’m not in that list, most days, but it helps to have people who are.

I don’t really know what this post is all about or where I planned on going with it. I just hung up with my mom and needed to get it out. If you’re reading this, thanks for listening to this rather meta ramble. I really do appreciate logging into my stats and seeing that, for some reason, people have actually viewed my posts. And I really appreciate your comments as well, but don’t worry, I don’t expect them. Tomorrow I promise something fun and upbeat. In the meantime, I’m off to apply for more jobs.

Love you all.

xx

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3 Responses to “I am not incapable.”

  1. Sam June 7, 2010 at 3:40 pm #

    I think perhaps without realising it you’ve answered some of the questions you’ve posed here on your own. Mothers often do have trouble letting go of the fact that their offspring need guidence and instruction. My own mother sometimes catches herself saying the obvious to me. Its not that she doesn’t realise that I know (or should know) how to take care of certain aspects of my life but it is for her own peace of mind she feels she has to say these things otherwise something tells her she is neglecting her responsablities. Shes got much better recently because I think (and hope) she trusts me enough to allow me the benefit of the doubt. I’ve earned this trust and I couldn’t honestly say that there was a simple way of doing that, but I managed it for some reason.I think you’re right about your mum feeling out of control of her own life (thats probably why “The Secret and an all powerful father figure appeal to her so much…….Tangent!!! Sorry) I hope if I’m not on that list you mentioned I will be one day ( I know there are times where I’ve been as overbaring as your mother) I also hope that as time passes the number of people on that list will grow. It really ought to. But the most important person to have on that list is YOU! because and this is key. When you have confidence in yourself it inspires it in others, and because you haven’t a lot of the time it has inspired doubt and people wondering if you can hack it on your own (whatever “It” happens to be) As trite as it sounds there is some truth to the notion that you get out of life what you put in. I’ve made some collossal mistakes in my life but I still think I have my parents and others trust because I believed enough in myself. Call it confidance if you like but all I know is the time in my life where I didn’t have it was the worst time EVER in my life. The worst type of loneliness imaginable. Months in solitary a breeze by comparison. How did I get this belief in myself? (after school and bullies and endless failure and mediocraty had squeezed it out of me) I realised first I was still alive. Then that there were some positive achievements that no one could take away from me tiny, insignificant ones but they WERE THERE! I then started to build of those. If I can do this thing well maybe I can do the next thing well. Slowly but surely I kept build on my acheivements and never I gave up to do so would have ment taking my life and I knew I wasn’t going to do that. it took time but every small victory spurred me on to the next level. I now hope I inspire trust in people that I can handle myself. I’m not afraid to ask for help when I feel I need it. I still have crushing defeats sometimes and that type of “inner strenght” for want of a better word does not come over night. But I can say without a shadow of doubt that without it I. WOULD. NOT. BE. ALIVE. To write this blog post response. Thats how worth it, it is.

    Sorry about the mamoth response I guess I’ve responded in the spirit of the original post and just gone meandering on for far too long but I hope you got something out of it.

    Love you too
    xx

  2. scratchingcat June 7, 2010 at 4:11 pm #

    Looks like you two need a time out in the true sense of the word. Just agree that you will call her when something happens.

  3. Sam June 7, 2010 at 4:15 pm #

    Of course I will. I know that might have turned into a bit of a rant but I was just trying to give Meg my perspective.

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