Self-inflicted panic: a how-to.

2 Apr

Today I thought I would be generous and kind and all that jazz and share some of my acquired if not naturally possessed expertise. Now, I was fortunate enough to be born with a predisposition that allowed me to hone and perfect this skill over time, but if you weren’t born this way, don’t worry, I shall be your guru, your mentor, your sensei, if you will, as you enter the unchartered territory of self-caused anxiety.

Step One: Be a perfectionist.

Almost nothing will cause more stress and anxiety than taking on a task for which you’ve only novice-level skills and setting expert-level expectations for yourself. It’s very easily accomplished as well! All you need to do, is read what the pros have done, aspire to do something even better, because obviously it won’t be that hard, then get to work. In no time, you’ll be stressed and panicked and experiencing those wonderful anxiety-induced cold-sweats!

Step Two: Procrastinate.

While you anxiously attempt to do this task that is unmistakably out of your league, it’s important to remember to surround yourself with distractions. This way, you’ll spend the early hours of the task thinking “Man! I’ve got all the time in the world!” and allowing yourself to succumb to the temptation of all the mindless things you love! My personal recommendations are Netflix, streaming tv, e-reading, and snacking (as an added bonus, the prevalence of snacking does wonders to counteract any clearly unwelcome weight loss as a result of any loss of appetite symptomatic of stress).

Step Three: Pretend you’re pro at something else, while you’re at it.

In order to make yourself feel even less competent about the impossible journey on which you’ve embarked, procrastinate by faking natural adeptness at something else. This will build up your confidence so that the slam back to reality is even more formidable when you get back to work. Personally, I like to convince myself that I’m a culinary mastermind and concoct unoriginally original delicacies with the provisions on my student-stocked shelves.

Step Four: (De)Hydrate.

It’s always beneficial to reward yourself every once in a while with alcohol. I like to do this when I come home from a long, trying day of teaching. I’ll tell myself to unwind with a beer and a show and relax for a minute before I get back to planning. This is particularly effective because it makes you just a little bit sleepy, and once you’ve surpassed the ripe old age of 20, any excuse you can think of will justify sleeping. Secondly, it opens up plenty of opportunity for self-loathing.

Step Five: Overshare.

This last step is crucial because it serves three primary purposes: 1) You can further procrastinate by taking photos of your savvy sirings (ie – those astounding delicacies!) and sharing them with the world, b) you can whine and complain about how stressed you are and how much you have to do, so that c) you wind up thinking about it even more and being more anxious than you were to begin with! (And again with the self-loathing.)

And there you have it. Five simple steps to make you want to crawl into a hole and disappear until no one remembers how much of a failure you are anymore.

Don’t say I never gave you anything.

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5 Responses to “Self-inflicted panic: a how-to.”

  1. Allison r Henline April 2, 2011 at 1:25 pm #

    hehe i scrolled really fast down the blog post to read your first post, and i saw “step four: drink” and i thought it said “step up,dick” haha wow, that was a fail on my eyes. sorry i had to post that, but i like reading these posts. theyre funny and awesome. hehe so glad your doing beda! 😀 cant wait for more! 😀

    Love-Allison

  2. Sam April 2, 2011 at 1:28 pm #

    Very good Meg. If you don’t make a vlog out of this I think I may have to. 😉

    • megnorris April 2, 2011 at 1:47 pm #

      Haha, I don’t think I’ll vlog it, since I blogged it, but maybe I’ll make another how-to and vlog it 😛

  3. Lydia :) April 2, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

    How-to blogs are so fun!! Fun to write, fun to read, FUN FUN FUN looking forward to the weeeeeeeeekend! …I can’t repeat the word “fun” in succession without singing that song anymore. TRAGEDY.

    Thank you for writing down these (heretofore) unwritten rules we all follow. I’m bookmarking this just in case I ever panic so thoroughly I forget a step and need some guidance. 😀

    See you tomorrow!!

  4. ChelseaIRL April 5, 2011 at 8:52 pm #

    Meg, you are hilarious and wonderful! ❤

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